Trapped
by Legend96
Summary: Alec Lightwood had never felt trapped in a way quite like this, and it's pretty much all Magnus's fault. Post-CoLS sort of Malec one-shot.


**Disclaimer: I am not Cassie Clare.**

Alec Lightwood had never felt so trapped in his life.

Not to say he'd never felt trapped - he was a Shadowhunter who, yes, had been in many forced situations and may not have been the most capable for a long, long time, and then he may have been in love with his adopted brother for an even longer time but that adopted brother was as totally heterosexual as heterosexuality got and then there was how he was gay in a very close minded society and how he had felt when Magnus had been vying for his attention and he hadn't been entirely sure if he'd wanted it because of his goddamned heterosexual adopted brother - but he'd never felt trapped like _this_.

_Of course_, he thinks bitterly, sitting on his ass on his bedroom floor back at the Institute with the door locked and practically bolted and a half empty drink in his hand, _I've never been like this before_. He wants to laugh at his own sorry self, but the drink is still half full (half full, half empty, what difference does it even make anymore?) and he's not sure he's drunk enough to motivate himself to get to the bathroom and stare himself in the mirror. He's not really sure of anything anymore.

He's gone on less hunts in the last month than he would care to admit, actually letting Izzy take the lead. She's probably trying some really weird and dangerous tactics that Alec would never have allowed and is therefore probably putting her own life, Jace's life, and Clary's life in danger. Jace, maybe, would be enjoying it, but he's somehow found a sort of close friend in Clary and she's not as drilled and trained and her reflexes aren't as fast as Izzy and Jace's and he's just worried about her.

(She's the only one who doesn't bullshit him when he asks if Magnus would ever take him back. Instead she usually frowns, says, "Shouldn't you be asking yourself that?" He hates it when she says that, because it does force him to think about it. His answer is always, always _no_.)

He tilts his head back, the drink at his lips, and downs the rest of it in a number of gulps. He lets it take effect before pushing himself to his feet, stumbling to the bathroom so he can finally get that laugh about his own sorry face. He knows for a fact he wouldn't find the look in his own eyes funny if he were sober, and he also knows for a fact that when the laughter rings out from his bathroom and somehow manages to be heard from someone outside his room, he's in for it.

He's pretty sure the only person who knows he's gained a considerably tolerance for alcohol in the last month is Izzy. And while Izzy isn't totally against using alcohol to drown pain for a night or two, she would be appalled if she knew just how bad his new best friend had started to affect him.

So, of course, he ignores the knock on his door with silence, pretending he'd never laughed at the pitiful gaze he's gained and the somewhat sunken cheeks and his even paler skin that he knows he hates when there's no alcohol at all in his system (he hates his appearance now, too, he just knows how to laugh at it when he's drunk). After a while whoever was at his door leaves and Alec lets his head hang over the sink.

He takes one deep breath before returning to the main room and picking up his phone. It's low on battery, yet he doesn't care. He flips it open and dials a number he knows by heart in any state of mind, waiting for the inevitable voicemail to come, ready for another wave of absolute and horrible pain that'll make him want another drink to hit him.

Except it doesn't. Instead, somehow, the phone stops ringing like Magnus has answered it but he isn't saying anything, and Alec isn't saying anything either, and there's just a sort of static-y silence hanging over both ends of the line and Alec is just so astounded that Magnus actually picked up he doesn't have any idea what to say.

And then, for the first time in a month, Magnus says something to Alec, and Alec knows he'll remember it when he's sober, no matter what, because Magnus says, "_What_ do you _want_?"

Alec doesn't know. He really doesn't know. He thinks he wants to be sober for this conversation but he's had too many drinks, taken too many swigs of some sort of alcohol that he doesn't remember the name of, already cried, and already laughed. He's so completely drunk that he actually does answer Magnus though, with a soft, "I don't know."

Then the connection goes dead and Alec sort of collapses onto his bed because Magnus hung up. Magnus hung up after Alec said three words - three stupid words - and Alec is just too exhausted to do anything more than fall onto his bed, snap his phone shut and let it die, and go to sleep.

When he wakes up the next morning, there's a note that's been slipped under his door. Ignoring the massive hangover he rolls out of bed and picks it up. The words swim under his scrutiny until his eyes finally focus on them.

_Magnus called last night around three wanting to know if you were okay. I told him I didn't know anymore. I just thought you'd like to know._

_- Clary_

Alec's breath catches in his throat and he's left thinking for the rest of the morning what in the hell he'd said that had made Magnus concerned. He remembered the two sentences exchanged between them just fine, but he doesn't remember how they were said or if Alec's "I don't know" had carried some sort of hidden meaning for Alec or _what_ -

It hits Alec like the wave of pain should've hit last night. Alec's not particularly good at hiding the fact he's drunk when he's drunk. He slurs his words so incredibly that it confuses him sometimes, and he's really bad at walking. He can hold the alcohol just fine - he won't throw up and he won't throw up even after he's slept most of it off - but he's so horrible at hiding it that he's ridiculous.

Magnus must've heard the slur in his voice and called either Clary or Izzy or, hell, even Jace last night. Alec lays back down on his bed, the note crumpled in his hand, because for some reason the hangover headache is starting to worsen and he would much rather sleep the rest of this off than face anything dealing with Magnus calling to check on him. So he does just that - he goes back to sleep and refuses to move until he's sure it's well into the afternoon.

At that point he forces himself up (the headache is all but gone, it's more annoying than painful now) and out of his room. The second he makes it to the kitchen Isabelle puts something that actually looks like food. He pokes at it with a fork before deciding that's just a bunch of noodles from a Chinese food place they visited a few days ago.

Alec starts eating and Izzy plops herself in the chair opposite Alec's. She folds her arms on the table and raises one eyebrow at her brother. He swallows before he asks, "What?"

"Why did Magnus call me last night asking about your mental and physical health?"

Alec pauses in lifting the noodle coated fork into his mouth. His entire body seems to freeze and he keeps his gaze locked on Izzy's, trying to judge just how much Magnus told her. She starts tapping a manicured hand on the top of the table and as the time ticks on, her eyes narrow and her lips thin. "Alexander," she said, "tell me what's been going on."

Alec wastes no time in standing, grabbing his plate of noodles, and promptly leaving the kitchen. Isabelle follows him, ready to pounce and rip his head off if he doesn't answer her. At some point of their trek through the Institute Alec realizes Isabelle won't drop this and he just decides to turn around and give up.

"I was drunk, I called Magnus, he answered, and that's all there is to it."

He can tell Izzy isn't satisfied by this when she just fixes him with an even stare. "You do realize you'll have to tell me what it is you said to him." Alec saw this coming, he'll admit to that, he just won't admit to how when he explains the situation to Izzy how he's terrified throughout the whole explanation that she'll just get fed up with him and leave him to find a lasting solution on his own.

Except she doesn't. She sort of just sits against a wall with him and looks like she's thinking, setting up a sort of plan throughout the whole thing. Alec's surprised and his terror returns anew when she stands and says, "You know what? You need to talk to him. Face to face. Either get back together or get some freaking closure."

No matter how much he protests, no matter how much he begs Clary for help because dammit, he thought she was on his side, no matter how hard he tries to elicit some form of pity from Jace (although why he tries, he doesn't know - Jace broke one of his phones a few weeks earlier and told him to just get over Magnus, like it was some relatively easy thing to do), he still ends up sitting on a park bench waiting for the Warlock to show up.

It takes a few minutes for Magnus to arrive, but when he does, Alec feels his heart stop for a moment and his thoughts all sort of just come to the conclusion of, _Holy shit you weren't ready for this he still looks perfect and put together and you like crap and he's got such an indifferent look on his face and you still probably care about him more than he cares about you, you weren't ready you weren't ready YOU WEREN'T READY _-

"Alexander," Magnus says evenly. His arms are folded across his chest and he's dressed in a fairly casual manner, even if casual for Magnus means a designer jacket and designer jeans and designer shoes and designer shirt - everything Magnus ever seems to wear is designer.

Alec has to clear his throat, and yet, somehow, his reply still comes out strangled. "Hi."

Magnus lifts one eyebrow, altering the overall blank expression, but he still seems rather disinterested. So Alec looks down, feeling dejected and maybe a whole lot of moronic before he feels Magnus sit next to him and then he becomes mainly a nervous wreck. Magnus sighs and Alec dares looking up at him.

Magnus's head is turned up towards the sky and his eyes are closed and his lips are pursed. There was a time Alec would've been able to kiss him and make Magnus look at him and make Magnus smile, and now all Alec seems to be able to do is cause him some sort of discomfort.

"Alexander, please explain to me why you've been calling and hanging up the second you got my voicemail," Magnus says, and his voice is soft and hard all at once, demanding yet not pushing and Alec isn't sure how to answer. He contemplates telling Magnus everything at once, but he's never been very good at that so he stays silent and considers all his options before he finally finds something that seems like it's acceptable to say your ex on a park bench.

"...I still care."

Magnus fixes Alec with an even stare, and Alec has no desire to look away first. In fact, when he spoke, he felt something sort of angry come over him. He wants to be heard for the first time. He doesn't want to go through what he's been through again, and have Magnus coming out of all of this looking perfectly okay.

Alec's eyes are open pretty hard and pretty wide but Magnus doesn't seem to notice that. Instead, Magnus's eyebrows are lifted and his own eyes are wide and unblinking. Alec notices that Magnus's hands seem to be shaking, and Magnus is gripping the hem of his shirt tightly to keep them from doing so.

"You...still care. Even after I told you I wouldn't," Magnus says. "Even after I told you it wouldn't _change _anything."

Alec's own hands begin to shake and he can't take this sitting thing anymore. He stands and Magnus follows, and he can tell Magnus is grateful for the sudden decision because Alec just knows Magnus, and Magnus knows Alec. "Yeah, I still care," Alec answers, his voice soft. "I still care about a lot of things."

Magnus looks pained. "Alexander," he starts. "I don't know what you want - "

"I don't want anything."

Magnus stops walking and Alec has to turn to meet his gaze again. Magnus seems completely shaken up by that, and then, suddenly, Alec thinks of something he does want, and it's an incredible, thought, really, and so he fixes his statement with, "I mean, I don't want much."

Magnus's astonishment disappears entirely and something like anger takes its place. "Alexander Lightwood, if you're talking about what I think you are, it won't happen. We aren't picking up from where we left off, it doesn't work like that, I'm not even sure I wanted to come here and talk to you!"

Magnus almost looks like he wants to start fuming. Alec just watches him, and he says, louder but still as soft, "I just...just stop calling me Alexander." Alec waits for Magnus to calm down, and when Magnus sucks in a deep breath and lets it go, Alec starts walking again. He doesn't really mind that it takes Magnus a while to catch up with him after that.

They're both silent for a while, and Alec feels that sort of need to talk to Magnus start to turn to complete frustration and it's his turn to pause in their walk. "Magnus," he says and Magnus's face has gone back to indifference. "I'm tired of being frustrated about all of this. I really am. I'm tired of feeling something really dark come over me that makes me get drunk off my ass in the middle of the night, tired of feeling so totally lost I need to call you only to remember I can't anymore. I'm tired of it."

Magnus, of course, doesn't speak for a moment, looking everywhere around him as if he wants to be somewhere else entirely, that this just isn't what he had in mind for a conversation - _if he had even wanted a conversation_ - and Alec finds himself waiting for a response. Finally, he gets one when Magnus says, "Me, too," so lowly Alec has to lean forward to hear him.

"I'm tired, too," Magnus repeats, and Alec feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, because now he knows that maybe Magnus was just as beat up as him but because he's responsible for so much he had something to distract him. Magnus meets his eyes again and Alec can see just how exhausted the Warlock looks. "But what do you suggest we do?"

It takes Alec all of three seconds to hold his hand out for a handshake. "Hi, I'm Alec Lightwood, a Shadowhunter who fell in love with his goddamned heterosexual adopted brother until he found someone who actually wanted him." Magnus's lips quirk upward into a wan grin and he grasps Alec hand and shakes it once. A sort of warmth that Alec missed considerably seems to radiate from Magnus's palm and into Alec's body and he has to fight back a shudder.

"And I'm Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn who just suffered an incredibly horrid breakup and my cat is about as depressed as I am." Magnus grins after his introduction and then it sort of fades into his next question, "But what is it you're doing?"

"Starting over," Alec answers, "from the very beginning. We work on being friends first this time. We learn to trust each other. We become best friends who tell each other everything. And then we let it play out. We go slow."

"When did you get so smart?"

"The second one of the most important persons in my life left me in a subway with a kiss and a witch light and nothing more."

Magnus sighs and he somehow manages to bring the smile back to his face. "Well, Alec Lightwood, Shadowhunter who was in love with his goddamned heterosexual adopted brother until he found that someone who wanted him, I hope we can continue with this walk and chat. Making new friends is rather exciting for me, when I actually want the friends."

Alec spends two hours in that park with Magnus, catching up with him through Magnus's complaints about customers he's had in the last month, and Alec mentions offhandedly about how he's been letting Izzy lead the demon hunts recently. The conversation won't seem to end, not until Alec's phone rings and it's Jace on the other end, calling to see if Alec is actually up to picking up a Seraph blade tonight.

After he says goodbye to Magnus for the day and the demon hunt is over, Alec finds a text waiting for him on his newest phone (the other one got smashed when Alec ran out of ideas and had to throw it at a demon's head to keep it from biting Izzy's foot off). The text reads, _Thank you._

It's from Magnus, and even though Alec has no idea what the Warlock is thanking him for, he suddenly feels less trapped. So he sends Magnus back a thank you of his own, climbs into bed, and sleeps deeply for the first time in a month.

**AN: I'm only a little bit sorry, really.**


End file.
